Two Sticks One Arm

1st December 1990

“Bless him, our Dad’s always been handy, even more so after he got let go from the council for writing all those letters, and when I lost me arm he made another one from some spare wood he’d got left over from the pigeon coop. It’s about 2ft long and it’s got a coat hanger hook at the end with a bootlace tie at t’other to attach it to me shoulder. He painted it bright pink and drew a digital watch on it to make it look more lifelike, but it’s just a plank, really. He says “It’s better than t’ old one that is, Rick. You’ll have no problems with that.” I have to ‘wear’ it when we go round for Christmas dinner and even for normal visiting. Mum always looks away. Always.”

26th September 1990

“When I first met Julie, she was a dancer in ‘Mr Hippo’s’, Dronfield’s best rock club. I could tell she liked me, because Joe went over to put a good word in and I could see them pointing and giggling; it was only a matter of time before we got together, I suppose. To this day I still don’t understand what the ‘hello ducky’ hands were meant to mean, though”

7th September 1990

“So we’re in this bar in Texas, Me, Joe and the lads, and this lovely lass comes over and asks for our autographs. Now I reckon that we’d be nowt without our fans, but Phil, who’d been drinking since 10am, threw his bowl of pork scratchings at her and started to undo his flies. I thought that was out of order”

21st June 1990

“Tribute bands are great; ‘Animuul’ were my favourite, they were from Walsall in the West Midlands. We arranged a fun surprise for them once at their rehearsal studio when we were in the area promoting Phil’s solo single ‘Wizards Of Cthulty’. We ran in shouting “IMPOSTERS!! IMPOSTERS!!” But they’d since disbanded and there was a electronic band in there called ‘wig’ making trendy pop. Anyway, they were wearing makeup and us being born and bred Yorkshire lads couldn’t resist the opportunity to wade in. I tried to overpower the poncy bangle wearing singer but he punched me in me stump and I fainted. It’s still very sensitive to this day.”

30th May 1990

“It was our wedding anniversary and I wanted to do something really special for Julie. But I realised, as we circled the duck island for the thirtieth time, that hiring a romantic rowing boat for the afternoon probably wasn’t the best idea I’d ever had.”